Solar-powered Carbon Extractor

Today in class I suddenly had a brilliant idea for a new invention:

Make a cheap, portable small box with a solar panel on the top. Inside the box make a little machine which extracts carbon from carbon dioxide (I don’t care how, make it cheap and simple). Now the box spouts out oxygen and deposits carbon inside a little waste box which you can clean every month or so. All for free since it’s solar powered.

Then I noticed a fatal problem: this already exists.

It’s called a plant.

Personal Statement

Dear Admission officer,

I AM THE MOST FANTASTIC PERSON YOU HAVE EVER MET/WILL EVER MEET. SOON YOU WILL CALL ME INTO AN INTERVIEW ROOM AND YOU WILL BE MARVELLED AT THE AMAZING SPECIMEN OF THE HUMAN SPECIES SITTING IN FRONT OF YOU. BUT LET’S NOT SPOIL THAT SURPRISE AND INSTEAD, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY PAST (FOR YOU WILL NOT WANT TO ASK ME ABOUT SUCH TRIVIAL THINGS WHEN YOU MEET IN IN REAL LIFE).

FIRSTLY I WAS BORN WITH A DISABILITY. MY LIFE HAS BEEN EXTREMELY DIFFICULT AS I INHERITED THE CAPS LOCK DISEASE FROM MY MOTHER. PASSED DOWN FROM GENERATION TO GENERATION, THIS LEFT ME UNABLE TO TALK/WRITE/TYPE WITHOUT SHOUTING. ALTHOUGH MOST PEOPLE FOUND IT ANNOYING, I HAVE ACTUALLY BENEFITED FROM THIS AS I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT THE VALUE OF PERSEVERANCE. FURTHERMORE PEOPLE ARE UNABLE TO IGNORE ME.

ALSO SINCE THE AGE OF 5 I HAVE BEEN WEAK TO ANOTHER DIESASE, THE uncapitalisation disease which randomly makes me unable to type any sort of capital letters. i believe the most difficult TIMES OF MY life was when BOTH DISEASES affect me at the SAME TIME.

I APPLY TO YOUR UNIVERSITY TO BE THE DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS. OF COURSE IT WOULD BE SILLY OF ME TO APPLY OR SOMETHING AS TRIVIAL AS AN EDUCATIONAL DEGREE WHEN I HAVE ALREADY LEARNT EVERYTHING YOUR INSTITUTION HAS TO OFFER BEFORE I TURNED 3. AS SUCH, I DO HOPE YOU SEE THE OPPORTUNITY IN HIRING SUCH A WONDROUS FELLOW AS ME TO REVITALISE AND IMPROVE YOUR ESTABLISHMENT. I CAN TAKE [insert your university here] TO GREATER HEIGHTS THAN IT HAS EVER REACHED, AND WILL NEVER BE REACHED AGAIN AFTER I PASS AWAY.

FURTHERMORE, I WILL CUT COSTS BY FIRING EVERY TEACHER/LECTURER/INTERVIEWER AND ONLY RETAIN THE ADMISSIONS DEPARTMENT. PLUS THE WAGES WOULD BE TRANSFERRED TO THAT DEPARTMENT.
I HOPE YOU REALISE WHAT A GREAT OPPORTUNITY MY APPLICATION BEINGS TO YOUR LIFE. IF NOT, YOU STINK.

Sincerely yours,
JIANN MENG

Pronouciation

Found something during my trip on the Internet:

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

Source